From the May 16, 2002 Daily Standard: Everything you think you know about Star Wars is wrong.
by Jonathan V. Last
STAR WARS RETURNS today with its fifth installment, "Attack of the Clones." There will be talk of the Force and the Dark Side and the epic morality of George Lucas's series. But the truth is that from the beginning, Lucas confused the good guys with the bad. The deep lesson of Star Wars is that the Empire is good.
It's a difficult leap to make--embracing Darth Vader and the Emperor over the plucky and attractive Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia--but a careful examination of the facts, sorted apart from Lucas's off-the-shelf moral cues, makes a quite convincing case.
First, an aside: For the sake of this discussion, I've considered only the history gleaned from the actual Star Wars films, not the Expanded Universe. If you know what the Expanded Universe is and want to argue that no discussion of Star Wars can be complete without considering material outside the canon, that's fine. However, it's always been my view that the comic books and novels largely serve to clean up Lucas's narrative and philosophical messes. Therefore, discussions of intrinsic intent must necessarily revolve around the movies alone. You may disagree, but please don't e-mail me about it.
If you don't know what the Expanded Universe is, well, uh, neither do I.
I. The Problems with the Galactic Republic
At the beginning of the Star Wars saga, the known universe is governed by the Galactic Republic. The Republic is controlled by a Senate, which is, in turn, run by an elected chancellor who's in charge of procedure, but has little real power.
Scores of thousands of planets are represented in the Galactic Senate, and as we first encounter it, it is sclerotic and ineffectual. The Republic has grown over many millennia to the point where there are so many factions and disparate interests, that it is simply too big to be governable. Even the Republic's staunchest supporters recognize this failing: In "The Phantom Menace," Queen Amidala admits, "It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions." In "Attack of the Clones," young Anakin Skywalker observes that it simply "doesn't work."
The Senate moves so slowly that it is powerless to stop aggression between member states. In "The Phantom Menace" a supra-planetary alliance, the Trade Federation (think of it as OPEC to the Galactic Republic's United Nations), invades a planet and all the Senate can agree to do is call for an investigation.
Like the United Nations, the Republic has no armed forces of its own, but instead relies on a group of warriors, the Jedi knights, to "keep the peace." The Jedi, while autonomous, often work in tandem with the Senate, trying to smooth over quarrels and avoid conflicts. But the Jedi number only in the thousands--they cannot protect everyone.
What's more, it's not clear that they should be "protecting" anyone. The Jedi are Lucas's great heroes, full of Zen wisdom and righteous power. They encourage people to "use the Force"--the mystical energy which is the source of their power--but the truth, revealed in "The Phantom Menace," is that the Force isn't available to the rabble. The Force comes from midi-chlorians, tiny symbiotic organisms in people's blood, like mitochondria. The Force, it turns out, is an inherited, genetic trait. If you don't have the blood, you don't get the Force. Which makes the Jedi not a democratic militia, but a royalist Swiss guard.
And an arrogant royalist Swiss guard, at that. With one or two notable exceptions, the Jedi we meet in Star Wars are full of themselves. They ignore the counsel of others (often with terrible consequences), and seem honestly to believe that they are at the center of the universe. When the chief Jedi record-keeper is asked in "Attack of the Clones" about a planet she has never heard of, she replies that if it's not in the Jedi archives, it doesn't exist. (The planet in question does exist, again, with terrible consequences.)
In "Attack of the Clones," a mysterious figure, Count Dooku, leads a separatist movement of planets that want to secede from the Republic. Dooku promises these confederates smaller government, unlimited free trade, and an "absolute commitment to capitalism." Dooku's motives are suspect--it's not clear whether or not he believes in these causes. However, there's no reason to doubt the motives of the other separatists--they seem genuinely to want to make a fresh start with a government that isn't bloated and dysfunctional.
The Republic, of course, is eager to quash these separatists, but they never make a compelling case--or any case, for that matter--as to why, if they are such a freedom-loving regime, these planets should not be allowed to check out of the Republic and take control of their own destinies.
II. The Empire
We do not yet know the exact how's and why's, but we do know this: At some point between the end of Episode II and the beginning of Episode IV, the Republic is replaced by an Empire. The first hint comes in "Attack of the Clones," when the Senate's Chancellor Palpatine is granted emergency powers to deal with the separatists. It spoils very little to tell you that Palpatine eventually becomes the Emperor. For a time, he keeps the Senate in place, functioning as a rubber-stamp, much like the Roman imperial senate, but a few minutes into Episode IV, we are informed that the he has dissolved the Senate, and that "the last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."
Lucas wants the Empire to stand for evil, so he tells us that the Emperor and Darth Vader have gone over to the Dark Side and dresses them in black.
But look closer. When Palpatine is still a senator, he says, "The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good." At one point he laments that "the bureaucrats are in charge now."
Palpatine believes that the political order must be manipulated to produce peace and stability. When he mutters, "There is no civility, there is only politics," we see that at heart, he's an esoteric Straussian.
Make no mistake, as emperor, Palpatine is a dictator--but a relatively benign one, like Pinochet. It's a dictatorship people can do business with. They collect taxes and patrol the skies. They try to stop organized crime (in the form of the smuggling rings run by the Hutts). The Empire has virtually no effect on the daily life of the average, law-abiding citizen.
Also, unlike the divine-right Jedi, the Empire is a meritocracy. The Empire runs academies throughout the galaxy (Han Solo begins his career at an Imperial academy), and those who show promise are promoted, often rapidly. In "The Empire Strikes Back" Captain Piett is quickly promoted to admiral when his predecessor "falls down on the job."
And while it's a small point, the Empire's manners and decorum speak well of it. When Darth Vader is forced to employ bounty hunters to track down Han Solo, he refuses to address them by name. Even Boba Fett, the greatest of all trackers, is referred to icily as "bounty hunter." And yet Fett understands the protocol. When he captures Solo, he calls him "Captain Solo." (Whether this is in deference to Han's former rank in the Imperial starfleet, or simply because Han owns and pilots his own ship, we don't know. I suspect it's the former.)
But the most compelling evidence that the Empire isn't evil comes in "The Empire Strikes Back" when Darth Vader is battling Luke Skywalker. After an exhausting fight, Vader is poised to finish Luke off, but he stays his hand. He tries to convert Luke to the Dark Side with this simple plea: "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. . . . Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy." It is here we find the real controlling impulse for the Dark Side and the Empire. The Empire doesn't want slaves or destruction or "evil." It wants order.
None of which is to say that the Empire isn't sometimes brutal. In Episode IV, Imperial stormtroopers kill Luke's aunt and uncle and Grand Moff Tarkin orders the destruction of an entire planet, Alderaan. But viewed in context, these acts are less brutal than they initially appear. Poor Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen reach a grisly end, but only after they aid the rebellion by hiding Luke and harboring two fugitive droids. They aren't given due process, but they are traitors.
The destruction of Alderaan is often cited as ipso facto proof of the Empire's "evilness" because it seems like mass murder--planeticide, even. As Tarkin prepares to fire the Death Star, Princess Leia implores him to spare the planet, saying, "Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons." Her plea is important, if true.
But the audience has no reason to believe that Leia is telling the truth. In Episode IV, every bit of information she gives the Empire is willfully untrue. In the opening, she tells Darth Vader that she is on a diplomatic mission of mercy, when in fact she is on a spy mission, trying to deliver schematics of the Death Star to the Rebel Alliance. When asked where the Alliance is headquartered, she lies again.
Leia's lies are perfectly defensible--she thinks she's serving the greater good--but they make her wholly unreliable on the question of whether or not Alderaan really is peaceful and defenseless. If anything, since Leia is a high-ranking member of the rebellion and the princess of Alderaan, it would be reasonable to suspect that Alderaan is a front for Rebel activity or at least home to many more spies and insurgents like Leia.
Whatever the case, the important thing to recognize is that the Empire is not committing random acts of terror. It is engaged in a fight for the survival of its regime against a violent group of rebels who are committed to its destruction.
III. After the Rebellion
As we all know from the final Star Wars installment, "Return of the Jedi," the rebellion is eventually successful. The Emperor is assassinated, Darth Vader abdicates his post and dies, the central governing apparatus of the Empire is destroyed in a spectacular space battle, and the rebels rejoice with their small, annoying Ewok friends. But what happens next?
(There is a raft of literature on this point, but, as I said at the beginning, I'm going to ignore it because it doesn't speak to Lucas's original intent.)
In Episode IV, after Grand Moff Tarkin announces that the Imperial Senate has been abolished, he's asked how the Emperor can possibly hope to keep control of the galaxy. "The regional governors now have direct control over territories," he says. "Fear will keep the local systems in line."
So under Imperial rule, a large group of regional potentates, each with access to a sizable army and star destroyers, runs local affairs. These governors owe their fealty to the Emperor. And once the Emperor is dead, the galaxy will be plunged into chaos.
In all of the time we spend observing the Rebel Alliance, we never hear of their governing strategy or their plans for a post-Imperial universe. All we see are plots and fighting. Their victory over the Empire doesn't liberate the galaxy--it turns the galaxy into Somalia writ large: dominated by local warlords who are answerable to no one.
Which makes the rebels--Lucas's heroes--an unimpressive crew of anarchic royals who wreck the galaxy so that Princess Leia can have her tiara back.
I'll take the Empire.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
World Terror Attacks Tripled in 2004 by U.S. Count
By Arshad Mohammed
The U.S. count of major world terrorist attacks more than tripled in 2004, a rise that may revive debate on whether the Bush administration is winning the war on terrorism, congressional aides said on Tuesday.
The number of "significant" international terrorist attacks rose to about 650 last year from about 175 in 2003, according to congressional aides briefed on the numbers by State Department and intelligence officials on Monday.
The aides were told the surge partly reflected an increased tally of violence in India and Pakistan related to the Himalayan region of Kashmir, which both countries claim, and the devotion of more manpower to the U.S. monitoring effort, which resulted in more attacks being counted overall.
The State Department last year initially released erroneous figures that understated the attacks and casualties in 2003 and used the figures to argue that the Bush administration was prevailing in the war on terrorism.
It later said the number of people killed and injured in 2003 was more than double its original count and said "significant" terrorist attacks -- those that kill or seriously injure someone, cause more than $10,000 in damage or attempt to do either of those things -- rose to a 20-year high of 175.
The State Department last week unleashed a new debate about the numbers by saying it would no longer release them in its annual terrorism report but that the newly created National Counterterrorism Center that compiles the data would do so.
A spokesman for the CIA, which is handling media inquiries for the NCTC, last week said no decisions had been made although other officials expected the data to be made public.
Rep. Henry Waxman (news, bio, voting record), a California Democrat, wrote to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Tuesday asking her to release the data, which include only international attacks and exclude violence that is classified as purely domestic.
"The large increases in terrorist attacks reported in 2004 may undermine administration claims of success in the war on terror, but political inconvenience has never been a legitimate basis for withholding facts from the American people," Waxman said in the letter, a copy of which was obtained by Reuters.
BETTER TALLY RESPONSIBLE
Former intelligence official Larry Johnson last week first disclosed the 2004 increase in his Web log, saying the 2004 numbers would rise at least 655 from about 172 in 2003.
Waxman's letter said that of the about 650 significant attacks last year, about 300 reflected violence in India and Pakistan, leaving some 350 attacks elsewhere in the world -- double the total 2003 count.
He suggested this reflected enhanced U.S. efforts to monitor media reports of violence, thereby leading to the identification of "many more attacks in India and Pakistan related to Kashmir." He also said congressional aides were told of about 198 attacks in Iraq in 2004, up from 22 in 2003.
Congressional aides said about 10 full-time employees worked on the 2004 count, up from about three in past years, and that this produced a more complete count.
"What it effectively means is that the Bush administration and the CIA haven't been putting the staff resources necessary and have missed (two thirds) of the world's terrorist incidents," said a Democratic congressional aide. "How can you have an effective counterterrorism policy from that?"
A Republican congressional aide said it would be unfair of Democrats to claim terrorism was getting worse under the Bush administration, stressing that the 2004 and 2003 numbers were not counted in the same way and hence were not comparable.
"That is a conclusion that cannot be drawn because we have no baseline and certainly last year's revised numbers offer no accurate baseline of the universe of terrorist incidents," he said. "Without that you cannot reach an accurate conclusion."
The U.S. count of major world terrorist attacks more than tripled in 2004, a rise that may revive debate on whether the Bush administration is winning the war on terrorism, congressional aides said on Tuesday.
The number of "significant" international terrorist attacks rose to about 650 last year from about 175 in 2003, according to congressional aides briefed on the numbers by State Department and intelligence officials on Monday.
The aides were told the surge partly reflected an increased tally of violence in India and Pakistan related to the Himalayan region of Kashmir, which both countries claim, and the devotion of more manpower to the U.S. monitoring effort, which resulted in more attacks being counted overall.
The State Department last year initially released erroneous figures that understated the attacks and casualties in 2003 and used the figures to argue that the Bush administration was prevailing in the war on terrorism.
It later said the number of people killed and injured in 2003 was more than double its original count and said "significant" terrorist attacks -- those that kill or seriously injure someone, cause more than $10,000 in damage or attempt to do either of those things -- rose to a 20-year high of 175.
The State Department last week unleashed a new debate about the numbers by saying it would no longer release them in its annual terrorism report but that the newly created National Counterterrorism Center that compiles the data would do so.
A spokesman for the CIA, which is handling media inquiries for the NCTC, last week said no decisions had been made although other officials expected the data to be made public.
Rep. Henry Waxman (news, bio, voting record), a California Democrat, wrote to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Tuesday asking her to release the data, which include only international attacks and exclude violence that is classified as purely domestic.
"The large increases in terrorist attacks reported in 2004 may undermine administration claims of success in the war on terror, but political inconvenience has never been a legitimate basis for withholding facts from the American people," Waxman said in the letter, a copy of which was obtained by Reuters.
BETTER TALLY RESPONSIBLE
Former intelligence official Larry Johnson last week first disclosed the 2004 increase in his Web log, saying the 2004 numbers would rise at least 655 from about 172 in 2003.
Waxman's letter said that of the about 650 significant attacks last year, about 300 reflected violence in India and Pakistan, leaving some 350 attacks elsewhere in the world -- double the total 2003 count.
He suggested this reflected enhanced U.S. efforts to monitor media reports of violence, thereby leading to the identification of "many more attacks in India and Pakistan related to Kashmir." He also said congressional aides were told of about 198 attacks in Iraq in 2004, up from 22 in 2003.
Congressional aides said about 10 full-time employees worked on the 2004 count, up from about three in past years, and that this produced a more complete count.
"What it effectively means is that the Bush administration and the CIA haven't been putting the staff resources necessary and have missed (two thirds) of the world's terrorist incidents," said a Democratic congressional aide. "How can you have an effective counterterrorism policy from that?"
A Republican congressional aide said it would be unfair of Democrats to claim terrorism was getting worse under the Bush administration, stressing that the 2004 and 2003 numbers were not counted in the same way and hence were not comparable.
"That is a conclusion that cannot be drawn because we have no baseline and certainly last year's revised numbers offer no accurate baseline of the universe of terrorist incidents," he said. "Without that you cannot reach an accurate conclusion."
Friday, April 22, 2005
Wisdom: God's Helper in Creation
by Paul V.M. Flesher
When Christians think about the biblical account of creation, they usually turn to the two stories found in Genesis chapters one through three. The first story relates how God methodically created the world step-by-step, much the way a modern construction company builds a house.
The second story tells how God created humans and then describes their subsequent disobedience and punishment. There is a third biblical creation story, however, that is often overlooked. This story appears in Proverbs chapter eight and differs significantly from the two in Genesis.
In Genesis, God first creates heaven and earth. In Proverbs, God begins by creating a helper, "The Lord created me ... [as] the first of his acts of long ago" (Prov. 8:22). This helper is Lady Wisdom, a female personification of knowledge and moral behavior. She serves as God's assistant in all his acts of creation. Proverbs does not merely relate Wisdom's acts, but presents Wisdom as speaking in the first person, as only a living, intelligent creature can.
Once God created Wisdom, he then went on to create the universe. Proverbs gives a list of things that God formed after He made Wisdom: the deep, the sky, springs, mountains and hills, earth, soil and fields. Many of these hark back to Genesis one, indicating Wisdom preceded all the elements that God created in that story. Proverbs makes clear that nothing was created without Wisdom, not even heaven. "When He established the heavens, I was there (Prov. 8:27)."
Wisdom goes on to relate how she assisted God in His creation. "I was beside Him like a master worker (Prov. 8:30)." God did not labor alone, but had Wisdom working alongside Him. The reference to being a master worker indicates that Wisdom was a knowledgeable and skilled assistant, who lent her expertise to the formation of the cosmos.
In Genesis One, God pauses regularly to approve His work. He looks at it at the end of each day and sees that it is good. In Proverbs Eight, Wisdom thinks His work is worthy of enjoyment. "I was daily delighting ... rejoicing in his inhabited world and delighting in the human race."
Who is Lady Wisdom? The standard Christian response is that she is Jesus. This link is made by identifying Wisdom with the Word (i.e., Logos) found in the first few verses of the Gospel of John, which read, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God ... All things came into being through him." There are clear parallels here between Wisdom and the Word in that they are both with God and that the texts indicate that both were involved in creation. There is the small problem that one is female and the other male, but theologians have worked out a variety of responses to resolve that issue.
The main problem with identifying Lady Wisdom with Jesus is that if Jesus is God as John says, then He was not created. Since Proverbs clearly states that Wisdom is the first creation, she can be neither Jesus nor the Word. The earliest approved doctrinal statement of this appears in the Nicene Creed. It clearly indicates that Jesus is not a creation; Jesus is "begotten, not made." Indeed, Christian salvation can happen only if Jesus is a divine and not a created being. If Jesus was merely a created human (or angel), then he could not pass on his triumph over sin and death to the rest of humanity.
So in the end, Lady Wisdom cannot be identified with Jesus. She not only stands as an independent being, the first of God's creations, but assisted God during the process of creation. Any "biblical account" of creation must include her role, otherwise it becomes not a biblical account, but merely Genesis' story of creation.
Flesher is director of UW's Religious Studies Program. More information about the program can be found on the Web at www.uwyo.edu/relstds.
So what are everyone's thoughts?
When Christians think about the biblical account of creation, they usually turn to the two stories found in Genesis chapters one through three. The first story relates how God methodically created the world step-by-step, much the way a modern construction company builds a house.
The second story tells how God created humans and then describes their subsequent disobedience and punishment. There is a third biblical creation story, however, that is often overlooked. This story appears in Proverbs chapter eight and differs significantly from the two in Genesis.
In Genesis, God first creates heaven and earth. In Proverbs, God begins by creating a helper, "The Lord created me ... [as] the first of his acts of long ago" (Prov. 8:22). This helper is Lady Wisdom, a female personification of knowledge and moral behavior. She serves as God's assistant in all his acts of creation. Proverbs does not merely relate Wisdom's acts, but presents Wisdom as speaking in the first person, as only a living, intelligent creature can.
Once God created Wisdom, he then went on to create the universe. Proverbs gives a list of things that God formed after He made Wisdom: the deep, the sky, springs, mountains and hills, earth, soil and fields. Many of these hark back to Genesis one, indicating Wisdom preceded all the elements that God created in that story. Proverbs makes clear that nothing was created without Wisdom, not even heaven. "When He established the heavens, I was there (Prov. 8:27)."
Wisdom goes on to relate how she assisted God in His creation. "I was beside Him like a master worker (Prov. 8:30)." God did not labor alone, but had Wisdom working alongside Him. The reference to being a master worker indicates that Wisdom was a knowledgeable and skilled assistant, who lent her expertise to the formation of the cosmos.
In Genesis One, God pauses regularly to approve His work. He looks at it at the end of each day and sees that it is good. In Proverbs Eight, Wisdom thinks His work is worthy of enjoyment. "I was daily delighting ... rejoicing in his inhabited world and delighting in the human race."
Who is Lady Wisdom? The standard Christian response is that she is Jesus. This link is made by identifying Wisdom with the Word (i.e., Logos) found in the first few verses of the Gospel of John, which read, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God ... All things came into being through him." There are clear parallels here between Wisdom and the Word in that they are both with God and that the texts indicate that both were involved in creation. There is the small problem that one is female and the other male, but theologians have worked out a variety of responses to resolve that issue.
The main problem with identifying Lady Wisdom with Jesus is that if Jesus is God as John says, then He was not created. Since Proverbs clearly states that Wisdom is the first creation, she can be neither Jesus nor the Word. The earliest approved doctrinal statement of this appears in the Nicene Creed. It clearly indicates that Jesus is not a creation; Jesus is "begotten, not made." Indeed, Christian salvation can happen only if Jesus is a divine and not a created being. If Jesus was merely a created human (or angel), then he could not pass on his triumph over sin and death to the rest of humanity.
So in the end, Lady Wisdom cannot be identified with Jesus. She not only stands as an independent being, the first of God's creations, but assisted God during the process of creation. Any "biblical account" of creation must include her role, otherwise it becomes not a biblical account, but merely Genesis' story of creation.
Flesher is director of UW's Religious Studies Program. More information about the program can be found on the Web at www.uwyo.edu/relstds.
So what are everyone's thoughts?
Friday, April 15, 2005
How To Hide Your Ninja Lifestyle From Your Co-Workers
Recent negative portrayals in the American media have led to an unprecedented backlash in this country against your average, everyday, 9-to-5 ninja. As a result, many of us hardworking ninjas have been forced to go underground, hiding our heritage, our training and our very ways of life. If you find yourself in this position, here are a few helpful tips that will aid you in hiding the fact that you are a master of the black arts from your co-workers.
Step One: Solve Problems With Your Mind Instead Of Your Nunchakus
While nunchakus are a time-honoured tradition of dispute settlement among the ninja, their use is usually discouraged in the typical American office. The next time someone steals your stapler or eats your lunch from the office refrigerator, try saying a few friendly, but firm, words to them instead of smashing their skull with your nunchakus.
Step Two: Try Using Office Items For Their Intended Purposes
As you are well aware, one of the greatest skills of the ninja is the ability to turn any ordinary item into a lethal weapon. However, years of doing so can cause the practitioner to forget the uses that said items were created for in the first place. For instance, did you know that, as well as making a delightful eye stabbing and handcuff-unlocking tool, a paperclip can be used to hold groups of paper together? Were you aware that pens might be used to write messages on paper, as well as for projectile weapons?
Step Three: Cut Down On The Target Practice
While throwing shuriken (throwing stars for non-ninjas) at every moving object that happens by your desk is a highly esteemed tradition in most Shoaling office environments, the practice is considered rude in America. Work on your target practice in the privacy of your own home. Not only will your true identity remain concealed, you might even make more friends at your company!
Step Four: Instead Of A Smoke Bomb, Try Saying Goodbye
I know it's a hard habit to break, but it really isn't necessary to disappear every time you leave for the day or go to the bathroom. Instead, try saying "Goodbye" or one of the popular variations, like "See you later," before walking out the door. It's not as dramatic, but these are tough times for the American ninja, and we all must make sacrifices.
Step Five: Walk Through The Office
While using your ninja claws, foot spikes and grappling hooks to move throughout your office is surely the most graceful and efficient mode of transportation, it also happens to be a sure-fire way to alert your co-workers that you are a ninja. Try walking around on the floor, like everyone else. Remember that you needn't to sneak around either; watch how your co-workers walk and follow suit.
Step Six: When In America, Dress Like An American
While you would definitely feel more comfortable in a jet-black ninja jutte and two-toed Tabi boots, most ninjas find they are better able to blend into the typical American workplace when they wear shirts and ties. You won't be able to sneak up on your prey as easily, but then again, that is exactly the kind of behaviour you might be better off without.
Step Seven: Ritual Suicide Is A Big No-No
As a practitioner of the ancient art of ninjitsu, this one is going to be the toughest. The next time someone shames you by walking into the stall when you are having a bowel movement, or a rival company betters your boss in business, you must not commit ritual suicide. Though it goes against every instinct in your body, try simply getting drunk or being loud and irritable like most other Americans do.
This is probably more amusing to those who have been involved with martial arts in some capacity, but I hope it holds some entertainment value for all of you!
Step One: Solve Problems With Your Mind Instead Of Your Nunchakus
While nunchakus are a time-honoured tradition of dispute settlement among the ninja, their use is usually discouraged in the typical American office. The next time someone steals your stapler or eats your lunch from the office refrigerator, try saying a few friendly, but firm, words to them instead of smashing their skull with your nunchakus.
Step Two: Try Using Office Items For Their Intended Purposes
As you are well aware, one of the greatest skills of the ninja is the ability to turn any ordinary item into a lethal weapon. However, years of doing so can cause the practitioner to forget the uses that said items were created for in the first place. For instance, did you know that, as well as making a delightful eye stabbing and handcuff-unlocking tool, a paperclip can be used to hold groups of paper together? Were you aware that pens might be used to write messages on paper, as well as for projectile weapons?
Step Three: Cut Down On The Target Practice
While throwing shuriken (throwing stars for non-ninjas) at every moving object that happens by your desk is a highly esteemed tradition in most Shoaling office environments, the practice is considered rude in America. Work on your target practice in the privacy of your own home. Not only will your true identity remain concealed, you might even make more friends at your company!
Step Four: Instead Of A Smoke Bomb, Try Saying Goodbye
I know it's a hard habit to break, but it really isn't necessary to disappear every time you leave for the day or go to the bathroom. Instead, try saying "Goodbye" or one of the popular variations, like "See you later," before walking out the door. It's not as dramatic, but these are tough times for the American ninja, and we all must make sacrifices.
Step Five: Walk Through The Office
While using your ninja claws, foot spikes and grappling hooks to move throughout your office is surely the most graceful and efficient mode of transportation, it also happens to be a sure-fire way to alert your co-workers that you are a ninja. Try walking around on the floor, like everyone else. Remember that you needn't to sneak around either; watch how your co-workers walk and follow suit.
Step Six: When In America, Dress Like An American
While you would definitely feel more comfortable in a jet-black ninja jutte and two-toed Tabi boots, most ninjas find they are better able to blend into the typical American workplace when they wear shirts and ties. You won't be able to sneak up on your prey as easily, but then again, that is exactly the kind of behaviour you might be better off without.
Step Seven: Ritual Suicide Is A Big No-No
As a practitioner of the ancient art of ninjitsu, this one is going to be the toughest. The next time someone shames you by walking into the stall when you are having a bowel movement, or a rival company betters your boss in business, you must not commit ritual suicide. Though it goes against every instinct in your body, try simply getting drunk or being loud and irritable like most other Americans do.
This is probably more amusing to those who have been involved with martial arts in some capacity, but I hope it holds some entertainment value for all of you!
Monday, April 11, 2005
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
My take on the Smoking Ban Ordinance
First of all, yippeee!
Now that I have that out of my system... Regardless of your stance on this issue, I truly believe that the following words present the strongest argument in favor of the Smoke Free ordinance...
"the right of nonsmokers to breathe smokefree air, and the need to breathe smokefree air far outweighs the desire to smoke."
A copy of the ordinance can be viewed at the City of Laramie's web site @
http://www.cityoflaramie.com/cityhall/council/documents/Final-Smoking-Ordinance-Passed-0907041.pdf
I welcome anyone else's opinion on the issue.
Now that I have that out of my system... Regardless of your stance on this issue, I truly believe that the following words present the strongest argument in favor of the Smoke Free ordinance...
"the right of nonsmokers to breathe smokefree air, and the need to breathe smokefree air far outweighs the desire to smoke."
A copy of the ordinance can be viewed at the City of Laramie's web site @
http://www.cityoflaramie.com/cityhall/council/documents/Final-Smoking-Ordinance-Passed-0907041.pdf
I welcome anyone else's opinion on the issue.
Monday, April 04, 2005
CALIFORNIA SECESSION LETTER TO BUSH
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals.
Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving.
California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EDT this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.
So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that.)
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Old Miss.'
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama.
We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that.
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Which means trouble for you because most of the medical innovation in the U.S. happens in blue states, too. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts.
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals.
They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't showpictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction.
Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,
California
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals.
Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving.
California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EDT this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.
So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that.)
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Old Miss.'
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama.
We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that.
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Which means trouble for you because most of the medical innovation in the U.S. happens in blue states, too. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts.
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals.
They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't showpictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction.
Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,
California
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